A bitter pill to swallow
I have been on all sides of the abortion debate. I was very religious at a time, which, simply, made things clear cut.
I was a nursing student in a gynae ward, when the abortion act was passed, and the first abortions were performed.
And, for a while now, I have been pro-choice. I ultimately believe that a woman has autonomy over her body, and she
alone gets to decide what she does to it. But this autonomy is a lonely place, as I have just experienced firsthand.
The 2 lines on the stick meant that we had a decision to make. My first reaction was, no we can’t have this baby, not now… The timing was terrible. I wrote a post on my personal blog on the Saturday night, as we were trying to decide. Tears poured down my cheeks as I wrote. (If you like to read it, the password is: peeonastick)
I have some very very special friends to thank, who helped me through those dark days. First Barbara, who knew my dread of being pregnant before I had even tested, and who was kind, and helped me talk through all my feelings after I wrote that blog post. She has her own personal beliefs and yet, she never once pushed me one way or another. We just spoke through options and she : “You have to know that either way things will never be the same.” I realised that I had to find the outcome that I could live with.
To Andre and Sharon also put personal feelings aside and let me talk and talk. The way I make decisions is to talk and they offered me ears, willing to listen and kindness that helped me feel less alone.
To Christel who SMS’s me now and again just to say she is thinking of me and cares.
And the Geek? The geek makes decisions very differently to me. He is practical and able to put his emotions aside. He finds talking about how he feels, difficult, so these conversations were hard for him, but he loves me and he knows my need to talk, and my need to feel and be emotional. He offered nothing but support as I shared with my friends and talked through the emotions. I was never allowed to do this in my failed marriage – talking to anyone or sharing anything was seen as betrayal, and so I just became lonelier and lonelier inside. I marvel at the Geek’s ability to know me so well and to let to find the support that I needed.
None of this means that the Geek and I did not speak. He thought abortion might be the more practical option now but was very willing to support me in whatever decision I made. I never felt pressured at any time.
The more I thought about it the more I knew it was just not something I could do and walk away from without deep and lasting scars. I know there are many brave women out there who have gone through this, when they had no other choice, and I know there are those who silently and bravely carry the wounds deep in their hearts. I pictured the moment of actually having to swallow the pill and wait for the bleeding to start and I realized there was no way I could do it, not without feeling like a small part of me would die. March would never be the same again, as I would wonder, always wonder about the baby that never came. I know at that stage it was hardly more than a clump of cells but it was the potential.
I think the biggest thing that helped me make up my mind was that The Geek loves to look after me and fix things and make it better and easier for me. If I had gone through with the termination of pregnancy I was scared that there would be a part of me that was always sad and that he had no way of fixing. That it would change us…
Not that I am not equally worried about how much having a baby will change us, but this baby was made in lots of love and will be loved, I guess no new person can ask for more than that. A baby is hard work and I am terrified of doing it all again, but babies add to your life, they don’t leave a void, even when times are hard, they still bring joy.
I know people are usually firmly place on either side of this debate, but somehow when it is you in those shoes, it feels so much less like a debate and rather a choice. For me, THAT is what Pro-choice is. Allowing each woman the chance to work through, and come to the decision which works best for her.
And to everyone that reads this and has a little hole in their heart – I understand, more than I ever did before.
Oh my friend, I know this was such a difficult decision and your choice has difficulties & challenges of its own. I just wish I was closer to be more of a support to you. But I’m only ever a phone call away (as you have by now realised :) ) and will always be an ear and a shoulder when you need one. xxx
Thank you so much for this very brave post. I could have written it myself a few years ago. I too had very clear ideas of which side of the fence I was on. At the time I was religious and so it was easy. And then it happened to me. I went through exactly what you describe. I cried a lot in that time. Only, I was alone and had no one except my partner to talk to. He supported me exactly like your Geek supports you.
You summarize it so well in your second last paragraph. When you are in those shoes there is no debate. And I too now understand more than ever about those who have a hole in their heart.
ps…my unplanned pregnancy was truly the best “mistake” I ever made. Sometimes I watch him sleep and I am filled with love and it haunts me that I might have made a different choice. You and your Geek and your baby will be just fine.
Oh Honey. When you said ‘it was hardly more than a clump of cells but it was the potential.’ – that has always been my argument against abortion. A seed seems so insignificant too, but it has the potential to be a tree.
It was, as you say, your choice though. And NO-ONE could or should take that choice away from you.
I’m so glad you decided to keep the little smudge :)
*Hugs*
Hey Sally, wondered why you were on my mind and now I know why! Like Robi, I, too, am “so glad you decided to keep the little smudge”! You will be ever so glad you did. You may not be “religious” anymore, but I believe God will bless your decision. I pray you will be thrilled to be a part of this wonderful process of creation of another human being… bless you and thinking muchly about you! Love Bronwyn
Rewinding about six years…
I had always said, openly and without fear, that if I ever found out I was pregnant by accident, I would abort because I did not believe I was fit to be a mother.
I felt so strongly about this, even after I lost a surprise baby during my early twenties (yeah, thing noone knew about me until now…)…and I believed it was a sign from the man or woman upstairs that I was not fit to be a mother.
So, when Cameron “happened” and I saw those two lines… the first thing that I said to my sister was “is it too late to end it? i dont care if it is or isnt, im keeping it”.
It was an instant heart decision that I sometimes feel I didnt make. I felt like it was made in front of me.
Obviously, I was four months along when i discovered the surprise so, it would not have been an option if i had chosen otherwise. But, fact is, i firmly believed before then that it was how it was meant to be for me.
Truth? I don’t regret it. I don’t regret that I ended up being forced to choose single parenting. I don’t regret that I had to skip out massive career advantages. I don’t regret that I have missed opportunities to earn more money, travel the world and/or do other things.
That choice. That choice was the right one for me at that time. And its the choice I celebrate every day.
Bless you my Pink friend and the Geek.
Muchos love
Cath
“but babies add to your life, they don’t leave a void, even when times are hard, they still bring joy.”
♥♥♥ so true
One last thing though…
Were I to be given the choice again, I would choose what is right for me. I cant stand people who say “abortion is evil”. I cannot handle people who want to remove the choice from women. I believe the power is in the ability to make the choice, either way. And I believe every person has the right to that choice.
I know what I chose for me. And, I agree, that’s true pro-choice:
“I know people are usually firmly place on either side of this debate, but somehow when it is you in those shoes, it feels so much less like a debate and rather a choice. For me, THAT is what Pro-choice is. Allowing each woman the chance to work through, and come to the decision which works best for her”
thank you for this post. so much. you have no idea how appropriate and fitting it was for me to read today. big love x
i take my hat off to you. i think having a child is a very brave decision – and even though i didn’t even consider termination when i was pregnant last year, i have to admit there was some relief, along with the immense sadness when i miscarried.
may your love shine.
You are such a loved person and so will this little bundle of joy be.
You are truly blessed and loved.
This might be my horrible and unavoidable ability to rationalise, but I feel I have to weigh in with this thought on the pro-choice debate. @Robi I did really view it as a collection of cells, no more, when I was asked what I think. All seeds have the potential to become trees, not all do.
The weighing factor was not the potential, nor the timing (in the end), but that Sally would not be the same if we went with Plan B. I apologise if this appears cold, it really isn’t, it’s just a result of years of taking options and making a decision quickly from limited facts.
I am already so excited about the prospect, although it’s still very abstract, but I would have been able to make that decision, were it just up to me. And a decision is what it should be, even if you don’t feel there was a choice to be made. The option of choosing is what each woman should be afforded.
see see!!! that is why I love him, he was happy to support me in a decision I made, because he knew the alternative would not be good for me. Geek I <3 you very much.
Reading this made me cry.
“And to everyone that reads this and has a little hole in their heart – I understand, more than I ever did before.”
The first tears since I made that decision years ago.
Hugs to you and the geek Sally
i am so proud of you for making the decision that is right for you kwim. and to the geek for being the man he is.
You are both so wonderful and will be great parents to the little blob! I’m so happy for you!
Life can be hard, cruel, unfair… but also filled with laughter and the cry of a newborn baby. :)
This is the first time i have been able to put it into words and your blog has enabled me to do this.
I fully understand this debate as it was a personal choice for me as well – and coming from the similar environment to you (we studied nursing together and i also had certain religious convictions), i can relate. My decision had a number of other external factors that contributed to it and honestly, looking back at it, it was the best decision at the time.
Sally, your blogs are inspirational and am so glad that we spend so much time together (crazy, but it seems like a lifetime ago). You are an unbelievably amazing person and even though we have not been in contact for a number of years, i am so happy that you are a part of my life (even if it is through reading your blog – and yes, i’m not the best at responding to your articles, but i read them religiously).
I wish you all the happiness……
Glad you made the right decision for you :)
Oh wow. I found your blog today…i popped over to your personal blog to read that entry then came back to follow up your journey.
You have walked quite a road – it is wonderful to hear the peace you have found in your decision.
I hope this pregnancy is very different and that you sail through it blissfully. ;-)